Monday, April 15, 2013

~Inside My Life~

  ~ Inside My life ~

My life isn’t even my own,
I give and give and give,
My heart, my soul,
There is nothing left for myself.

It is a vicious cycle,
One that no one should ever have to live,
I wake up, only to realize that there is no one.

Empty air is the only sound,
That and the never ending sound of my heart
As it shatters.

While I sleep, I dream.
I dream of a life that I lived once,
Not so very long ago.
A life where I mattered,
Where my thoughts were taken seriously,
And my feelings respected,
Only to awaken to the awful truth.

I am ALONE!?!

The feelings of rejection cut deeply,
The words I want to say but can’t allow myself to speak,
The knowledge that I will never be,
The truth lies in my mind
And in my shattered heart, but I can’t accept it.

I live everyday fighting myself,
Fighting to pretend that I am loved,
That I matter to someone,
That I am important to the ones I love.

I live inside my head,
With thoughts that would scare anyone else,
I cover it up with a smile,
A smile that is nothing but a HUGE lie.

I am holding on,
Grasping at straws,
Straws that are not even there,
Hoping that someday I will actually make contact.

If it was allowed,
I would scream,
Scream so loud that maybe, just maybe,…
Someone would listen,
And finally hear me.

I am always crying out,
But honestly it is pointless,
No one hears me,
No one wants to hear me.
That is the truth.

Even when I say how I feel,
No one listens,
No one cares.

I have lived my entire life being a nothing,
I will continue to live the rest of my life the same way,
As long as I accept it,
And honestly I have no other choice.

If I stand up for myself,
Say how I really feel,
Be myself,
Then all is a failure.

I ask myself all the time,
Why am I so unlovable?
What do I do so wrong?
Why won’t anyone listen to me?
Am I NOT screaming loud enough?
Are my cries drowning in the sound of the breeze?

I have a dream,
I dream of a day when all negativity leaves,
A day when I can wear the beautiful dress,
And marry the man of my dreams.

I have a dream of a day when my cries are heard!

When someone realizes that I have been crying,
Crying all along,
Waiting to be heard,
Waiting to be seen,
A day when I am really finally loved.

I want someone to see inside my head,
To think what I do,
To feel what I feel,
To understand me.

I remember growing up feeling exactly like I do now,
Empty, like no one cares,
Or understands
Or listens.
Scared, like I am all alone
And will always be.
Alone, a feeling that has never gone away.
I feel like I am dying.

I thought that my family,
My kids and my lover would make it all better,
That they would understand me,
Listen and respect me.
I was wrong.

Today, I feel the same,
I am ashamed of who I am
And wish I was who I am supposed to be
In the eyes of the ones I love,
But truthfully,
 I am worthless,
Terrifying and useless.

I am alone.
With my thoughts,
With feelings and words
That I can’t even say,
And don’t have the right to feel.
And always will be.