~ Inside My life ~
My life isn’t even my own,
I give and give and give,
My heart, my soul,
There is nothing left for myself.
It is a vicious cycle,
One that no one should ever have to live,
I wake up, only to realize that there is no one.
Empty air is the only sound,
That and the never ending sound of my heart
As it shatters.
While I sleep, I dream.
I dream of a life that I lived once,
Not so very long ago.
A life where I mattered,
Where my thoughts were taken seriously,
And my feelings respected,
Only to awaken to the awful truth.
I am ALONE!?!
The feelings of rejection cut deeply,
The words I want to say but can’t allow myself to speak,
The knowledge that I will never be,
The truth lies in my mind
And in my shattered heart, but I can’t accept it.
I live everyday fighting myself,
Fighting to pretend that I am loved,
That I matter to someone,
That I am important to the ones I love.
I live inside my head,
With thoughts that would scare anyone else,
I cover it up with a smile,
A smile that is nothing but a HUGE lie.
I am holding on,
Grasping at straws,
Straws that are not even there,
Hoping that someday I will actually make contact.
If it was allowed,
I would scream,
Scream so loud that maybe, just maybe,…
Someone would listen,
And finally hear me.
I am always crying out,
But honestly it is pointless,
No one hears me,
No one wants to hear me.
That is the truth.
Even when I say how I feel,
No one listens,
No one cares.
I have lived my entire life being a nothing,
I will continue to live the rest of my life the same way,
As long as I accept it,
And honestly I have no other choice.
If I stand up for myself,
Say how I really feel,
Then all is a failure.
I ask myself all the time,
Why am I so unlovable?
What do I do so wrong?
Why won’t anyone listen to me?
Am I NOT screaming loud enough?
Are my cries drowning in the sound of the breeze?
I have a dream,
I dream of a day when all negativity leaves,
A day when I can wear the beautiful dress,
And marry the man of my dreams.
I have a dream of a day when my cries are heard!
When someone realizes that I have been crying,
Crying all along,
Waiting to be heard,
Waiting to be seen,
A day when I am really finally loved.
I want someone to see inside my head,
To think what I do,
To feel what I feel,
To understand me.
I remember growing up feeling exactly like I do now,
Empty, like no one cares,
Scared, like I am all alone
And will always be.
Alone, a feeling that has never gone away.
I feel like I am dying.
I thought that my family,
My kids and my lover would make it all better,
That they would understand me,
Listen and respect me.
I was wrong.
Today, I feel the same,
I am ashamed of who I am
And wish I was who I am supposed to be
In the eyes of the ones I love,
I am worthless,
Terrifying and useless.
I am alone.
With my thoughts,
With feelings and words
That I can’t even say,
And don’t have the right to feel.
And always will be.